Hello, how are you? I truly hope that you're managing and that those you love are safe and well. Here there are good days and bad days. The hardest thing for me is not being able to explain to Toby why everything he knows and loves has stopped and he has had many more meltdowns than usual, but there is a highlight to each day and that is our walk in the woods. We weren't going out to the woods at the beginning of the lockdown because there was some confusion as to whether we were allowed to drive the 3 miles there and back but recent clarification from the government on people with autism being allowed to travel to familiar places has meant that Toby now has one loved activity available.
Whilst we are struggling with daily life here, I know there are so many having a much worse time than us: those medical and health careworkers on the front line dealing with hugely stressful days, those overwhelmed by mental health issues, those fearful of loosing their livelihoods and especially those who have lost loved ones and have not been able to even say goodbye, heartbreak that is happening on a global scale right now. It feels impossible to believe that the human world will ever be the same again after this and I've been thinking how important it is to hold on to hope that there will be good times again.
Each year, in the quiet pause that is New Years day, I sit and fill in important dates in my brand new diary. I so enjoy this ritual - writing on crisp, clean pages the birthdays of loved ones, the eagerly anticipated events, and all the while imagining the whole year spread out and full of possibilities.
On the first page I always try to write myself a little message or quote, a kind of guiding principle for my thoughts in the coming year. Last year, faced as we were with many challenges surrounding Toby's transition from child to adult support services I wrote the words
'Don't let bitterness become you'.
I'm still working on that one and I'm guessing that as the parent of a now adult son who is severely autistic I will need to keep that one as a constant reminder for years to come - a verbal talisman for when I feel overwhelmed by all the things Toby can't do, can't have and can't be and all the things we'll never have as a family. Calling to mind these words does help to pull my thoughts away from destructive negativity.
On January 1st of this year, I wrote these words in my nice new 2020 diary:
'I can still have hope while facing a future I do not know'.
When I wrote that out I was really thinking on a very insular and personal level about the ongoing issues involved in caring for Toby, but that phrase could not have been more apt for the global situation that has unfolded and affects all of us now. The last few months have changed life for us all in unimaginable ways and never more have we needed to believe that there is hope in all of our futures.
So, that's my wish for you today: That you find hope, in whatever form it appears for you, and you cherish, nuture and tend it so that it fortifies you in these darkly terrifying times.
J x
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:: 'Don't let bitterness become you' is a line taken from the lyrics of Elysium by Bear's Den
:: 'I can still have hope while facing a future I do not know' is a quote from Morgan Harper Nichols, it's the 4th slide on November 22nd 2019
All of the pictures above were taken in previous springs (the last one with Amy in was from 2011). Toby's favourite wood doesn't have bluebells, and even if it did he'd not let me stop to take photos ;) It is though a comforting thought, that despite everything nature is unaffected - other than perhaps in positive ways from less pollution/human intrusion. And although I may not be able to go and see bluebells this year, I know they're out there blooming away, smelling wonderful and looking tear-inducingly beautiful.