Little Cotton Rabbits

Settling in to September

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The past few months have been some of the most tumultuous so far in our journey with Toby. We'd spent a long time researching and making plans for his life after college, and things looked for a while like they would work out as planned and begin to be a basis to build upon, encouraging him to be more independent of us, with an eye to the future as we age. So many times H and I have turned to each other with a hesitant smile and said 'hope is kindled', only to have those hopes dashed, sometimes within days.

Challenging times however do bring their own gift, and that is to remind us of what really matters in our lives. Facing difficulties brings into sharp focus what isn't really important and what is worth clinging on to. For my part I have been reminded that:

• Toby's happiness is everything, when he is happy we can be too,
• walking in our beloved and familiar woods is more peaceful and relaxing to me that the most expensive, luxurious holiday abroad, they feel like home to me and to Toby too,
• The word 'problem' really just describes the space between our expectation of a thing and the reality of it. If we accept the reality and let our expectations evaporate we have a chance at being happy with the outcome.

Toby has been happy and settled recently. He's been enjoying the two outdoor activity days at the small holding and the community allotment project and on the five days that we have him here at home he has enjoyed choosing what time to get up (usually after 11am as he does like a nice long lie in) and he's had a great time on our walks out in the countryside.

The main downside to our new normal here is the lack of work time available to me. But I'm beginning to adapt and have started to pattern write again, (albeit very slowly and sporadically) and I do have lots of ideas for future patterns.

By the way, I want to take this opportunity to say thank you, I don't think I've ever been more grateful to all of you who buy my patterns, because in doing so you enable me to support my family and to be here at home taking care of Toby whilst still earning enough for us to live off. I'm also hugely grateful to the people who spread the word about my patterns with their friends, family and knitting groups and to those who mention me on social media too. I was delighted and flattered to be included in Elise's round up of Fall knitting and crochet projects. If you don't already follow Elise Rose Crochet on you tube then you are really missing out, she makes such wonderfully entertaining videos and her enthusiasm for all yarn crafts is both inspiring and infectious, her you tube channel is here.

Well, I'm off to squeeze in a little pattern writing before it's time to make dinner. Thank you as always for visiting me here and for the words of kindness and support that you send my way, they make life a little brighter and I'm very grateful, J x

..............................................................................

Harvest time photos taken at Tewin Orchard and surrounding fields, September 2024

Late summer socks, in colours that remind me of the orchard, knitted in the 'Cliff walk at Pourville' minis, one of the Monet mini skein sets from The Knitting Shed.

Sunset from my bedroom window :)

 

 

A summer round-up

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello hello, long time no see.

I’ve been holding off writing until things felt settled with Toby’s new routines in the hope that I could be all positive and upbeat. And for a few weeks at the end of July it did indeed feel like we were heading into calm waters, but just recently things have got a little more choppy again.

We did have 3 day care sessions of roughly 6 hours each in place for Toby to attend at 3 different lovely settings, and he did seem to be gradually adapting to them, but last week he hurt a member of staff at one of them and so obviously they can no longer have him, so we're down to 2 sessions per week, one on a Monday and one on Wednesday. He's so big and strong and coupled with being easily upset and unpredictable this makes it very hard for others to care for him whilst keeping everyone safe, and there is simply a dire lack of suitable provision for those like Toby with more severe learning disabilities and challenging behavioural issues.

This does mean that we’re having to rethink everything in a way that works for us all, and it’s taking some getting used to. My brain keeps saying ‘don’t worry, you’ll have plenty of time to get things done in September’  and then I have this weird, almost dizzying sensation when the other side of my brain reminds me that there is no more school or college, there will be no extra time, this is how things are now. It is most disconcerting.

It also means I’m having to plan out how I can keep running little cotton rabbits as a business, as working on patterns, answering emails and blogging will all have to be fitted in to less time than I had originally planned for. I’m currently making lots of lists and ranking my weekly parcels of time into high and low value blocks so that I can work out what I can get done and when.

All is not despair though. As always Toby is very happy to have his long lie-ins and daily walks with either of us, and he’s been very calm and happy on his full days here at home, so that remains a thankfully big positive in all of our lives.

These are some pictures from some of our walks together, despite many years of trying Toby still does not like me stopping to take photos on our walks, so I have to squeeze them in whilst he's naturally distracted. The countryside around us is still very green, though signs of a seasonal change are starting to creep in, with more seed heads than flowers out in the meadows and the first fungi springing up in the undergrowth. We’ve had the usual August mix of sunshine and heavy downpours, so some glorious skies and a few double rainbows have been beautiful overhead sights.

Knitting here has been restricted to one scarf and a few pairs of socks, mostly because my brain has needed very simple projects during this transition time. I'm hoping to start pattern writing again this coming week and will keep you posted of any progress.

Lastly Bluebell, our one remaining hen, succumbed to old age at the end of last month, she was nine and three-quarters, a most respectable age for a chicken, we brought her and two others to live with us in March 2015 when they were point of lay, so a few months old. We’ll not have more I think, there’s a feeling of wanting to pare down and simplify life as much as possible here, but I will miss having animals to tend to, especially as the foxes seem to have currently disappeared from the garden, as they so often do at this time of year.

Well, I will be back here on the blog, not sure when yet, but hopefully at least once a month or so, so until then I hope all is well in your own little corner of the world, thanks as always for stopping by to visit with me, J x

 

Endings and beginnings

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

June brings early summer here in the south of England. Not that you'd know it from the recent weather though; chilly winds, frequent rain showers and a distinct lack of sunshine have meant it's been feeling much more like March and I've not yet put away the winter woollies. I'm not really complaining though, cooler temperatures are more conducive to knitting and to long country walks, and thanks to the unseasonable weather the countryside is still clothed in the bright, verdant green of spring. The early spring flowers have though given way to the summer ones; meadows of delicate grasses sprinkled with ox-eye daisies, verges of cow parsley and hedgerows of elderflowers, bramble flowers and dog roses, all so very pretty.

Back at home I've been slightly obsessed with knitting jeans for some reason, having switched my colour focus from greens to blues. This indigo dyed cotton yarn (Scheepjes Skies light) is perfect for knitted jeans and when it's washed the colour leaches out a little (though it's leaching during knitting too, as you can see from my hands) and you can give a little extra rubbing to the knees so they look a little worn in.

Since the start of the year I've been dreading the arrival of June. Over the last 18 years, whilst Toby has been at school and more recently at special needs college, we've built safe and comfortable routines that help him to manage the everyday things that everyone else does without a second thought. He's had somewhere to go that helps to fill his time with some meaningful activities, giving him experiences he wouldn't otherwise have had and providing us with much needed respite time in which to work, rest and recharge. Tomorrow is the very last day of 'full time education' for him and what comes next is as yet untested, unknown and uncertain, which is never a comfortable place to be when autism is a factor.

I began this blog in 2006, on the day before Toby started school aged four years old, and in some ways it would be fitting to finish writing here today on the day before he finishes college and we begin a new chapter in family life. It is something I've thought about, simply because life is about to get more complicated and free time will be more limited, but the truth is I'm not ready to go just yet. Putting together this blog encourages me to contemplate all that is positive in life, to go out and take pictures, to sit quietly and edit them and to write about my small and simple adventures and love of knitting. And when I have opened up about the struggles we sometimes face, you - my community of blog readers, have never failed to generously gift me words of kindness, compassion and wisdom, I would miss doing this and all of you terribly. So I'm staying for now, though service may be disrupted for a bit whilst we find our feet and forge new routines.

Well, I'm off to do a little quiet and calming knitting, I hope that the rest of June is kind to you, hopefully see you soon, J x

 

March

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

March has been full of extra challenges here, a two-steps-forward one-step-back kind of month.

Amy went into hospital for surgery on her complicated wisdom teeth, which required a general anaesthetic and, for someone with quite intense anxiety issues, this was very difficult for her. We're proud of her for coping, and she's now recovering well.

Planning for Toby's life after college has been an adventure in stress management, and as yet is still unresolved. My mind is a cacophony of worries about his future and the impact that has on all of our lives as H & I grow old. And Toby has been struggling to cope recently and has had to stay home from college a couple of times after injuring staff. With all of this to juggle any hope of me being able to concentrate on a task like pattern writing has completely gone out of the window. In fact I can't seem to concentrate on anything fully at the moment. I can't even choose a shade of green to finish my Spring lamb and instead have managed to start a rabbit and a bear, flitting around with my knitting too.

The other day I sat down with a notepad in front of me a tried to write a list of things that would promote some calm happiness in my life and all I had on my list was 'going to the woods'. Going to the woods is enough for now, those quiet solitary interludes help me to top up my batteries just enough, but in truth I long to have something more exciting to look forward to with eager anticipation. It would be so liberating to wake up in the morning and think to myself, 'what shall I do today...?'; to do something on a whim without meticulous planning to fit around other people's schedules; over even simply to choose what time I go to bed at night, when to take a bath, or just to be able to sit and concentrate on something, anything, without constant interruption in order to meet someone else's needs.

But that is not my lot, and so I must choose to either wallow in self-pity or try to embrace the gifts that each day can bring if you look hard enough. I'm coming to realise that since I cannot change my circumstances the thing that I must change is my mindset and have started reading 'A Book for Life: 10 steps to spiritual wisdom, a clear mind and lasting happiness' by Jo Bowlby and I really hope it delivers on that tantalising title.

Happily being out in the countryside always does bring me pleasure, and there are many small joys out there now that Spring is arriving: the gradual building of bird song each morning, each week a little louder and with a few more voices, gathering towards the full beauty of the dawn chorus that comes in April; wild daffodils and wood anemones nodding in the spring breezes and the field boundary hedgerows now clothed in cloud-like blackthorn blossom. And I am grateful for the small sustaining pleasures of seeing the beauty of nature.

I hope that you're finding some moments of peace and pleasure in your days too, J x

 

 

January, beginnings

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well here we are again at the beginning of a new year, I hope it has started well for you.

We're doing quite well here, Toby coped with going back to college yesterday and the much earlier start to his days and I've been slowly but steadily ticking things off my to do list. At the moment all of my focus is on preparing for the cliff edge that we currently face at the end of June when Toby's college placement finishes. That will mark the end of his 20 years in 'education' and a humungous change for our family. I'm spending all of my available time trying to put in place support and community activities for him so that he can have some meaningful activities in his life outside of his home here and that I can continue to have time in which to work on patterns and earn a living.

We've had no support of any kind since he turned 18 and so have had to begin all over again with preliminary assessments. If you have ever gone through the process of getting a care assessment and putting in place ongoing care for a loved one you will already know about the mountainous burden of paperwork and the enormity of the continuing task, from setting up new bank accounts to manage direct payments; accounting for every penny spent; interviewing, screening via DBS checks and training personal assistants to manage his needs; researching, visiting and engaging placements for day care. It is all down to families to undertake and organise and is utterly daunting and exhausting. This week has been all about recording on paper the struggle that Toby has with every day life, and it's really laid me low to bring into sharp focus and put into words everything about his condition that limits his life and the enormous impact that has on our family.

So I am trying my hardest to just concentrate on one small step at a time, and have had to make a very conscious effort to focus on the small positives that have come my way so far this year. I'm sharing them here mostly to remind myself that often it's the small things that lift a moment from despair to delight.

• I have a new garden friend, Bob D. Robin, who flies down to the garden table each morning at dawn when I'm preparing breakfast for the chickens, he gets a pinch of sunflower seeds as a thank you for brightening the start of my day with his beautiful song, sung from the topmost branch of the old plum tree.
• Kit the fox is still visiting, very sporadically over the autumn but a little more frequently these last couple of weeks, though mostly after dark so it's been hard to get pictures of her. She looks well and has a thick and fluffy winter coat. It's coming up to mating time so it will be interesting to see if she has a litter this year and whether she visits more frequently if she falls pregnant.
• Sunrises and sunsets, closer together at this time of year with the short winter days, always have the capacity to bring joy and the vibrant colours splashed across the sky are captivating to watch. I often stand outside with a cup of tea in hand and just enjoy the unfolding spectacle.
• The weather here has been so mild, wet and windy so far this winter but the coming week sees a change to colder, brighter days so I'm hoping to get out with my camera and find the first snowdrops. The anticipation of seeing their beauty is a small joy at the moment too.
• Looking back over the pictures that I took during 2023 has brought a lot of pleasure too, the first picture above is a mosaic of a few of my favourites

I hope that you are finding some small joys in your days too and if you're fearful about impending events in your life this year, I hope that you're finding ways to move forward with a hopeful heart,

See you soon, J x