March has been full of extra challenges here, a two-steps-forward one-step-back kind of month.
Amy went into hospital for surgery on her complicated wisdom teeth, which required a general anaesthetic and, for someone with quite intense anxiety issues, this was very difficult for her. We're proud of her for coping, and she's now recovering well.
Planning for Toby's life after college has been an adventure in stress management, and as yet is still unresolved. My mind is a cacophony of worries about his future and the impact that has on all of our lives as H & I grow old. And Toby has been struggling to cope recently and has had to stay home from college a couple of times after injuring staff. With all of this to juggle any hope of me being able to concentrate on a task like pattern writing has completely gone out of the window. In fact I can't seem to concentrate on anything fully at the moment. I can't even choose a shade of green to finish my Spring lamb and instead have managed to start a rabbit and a bear, flitting around with my knitting too.
The other day I sat down with a notepad in front of me a tried to write a list of things that would promote some calm happiness in my life and all I had on my list was 'going to the woods'. Going to the woods is enough for now, those quiet solitary interludes help me to top up my batteries just enough, but in truth I long to have something more exciting to look forward to with eager anticipation. It would be so liberating to wake up in the morning and think to myself, 'what shall I do today...?'; to do something on a whim without meticulous planning to fit around other people's schedules; over even simply to choose what time I go to bed at night, when to take a bath, or just to be able to sit and concentrate on something, anything, without constant interruption in order to meet someone else's needs.
But that is not my lot, and so I must choose to either wallow in self-pity or try to embrace the gifts that each day can bring if you look hard enough. I'm coming to realise that since I cannot change my circumstances the thing that I must change is my mindset and have started reading 'A Book for Life: 10 steps to spiritual wisdom, a clear mind and lasting happiness' by Jo Bowlby and I really hope it delivers on that tantalising title.
Happily being out in the countryside always does bring me pleasure, and there are many small joys out there now that Spring is arriving: the gradual building of bird song each morning, each week a little louder and with a few more voices, gathering towards the full beauty of the dawn chorus that comes in April; wild daffodils and wood anemones nodding in the spring breezes and the field boundary hedgerows now clothed in cloud-like blackthorn blossom. And I am grateful for the small sustaining pleasures of seeing the beauty of nature.
I hope that you're finding some moments of peace and pleasure in your days too, J x
