The last couple of weeks have been a bit tough for Toby. He's been having many more meltdowns, lots of anxiety and has been much more wakeful at night than his usual hour or two. The hardest thing is not knowing what the cause of this latest 'spell' might be - he has never developed speech and his communication via PECs is limited to him requesting items and activities so there is no way for us to explore what he might be feeling. He has been under the weather health-wise and there have been some changes in school but we're really left to guess work, trial and error and a general feeling of despair at not being able to help him work through it.
Lack of sleep does funny things to your mind (which is probably why it is employed as an effective interrogation technique) and I find I'm a lot more prone to feeling down when we're in these cycles with Toby. Knitting always helps of course but last week I felt the need to be out in the fresh air. The woods in autumn are a beautiful place to be and I do find them spiritually refreshing. I spent a very peaceful couple of hours wandering around alone with a complete absence of human noise and human demands. I saw lots of grey squirrels busy with their winter store, two muntjac deer and a multitude of different birds all too quick for my camera but I did enjoy taking pictures of the plant life.
All the mosses and fungi are particularly abundant at the moment since it's been such a mild and damp autumn. It felt good to be alone in the woods, looking at the tiny small worlds that go on mostly unobserved and it definitely helps me get some perspective back when things are hard going. I count myself very lucky to have such a beautiful place on our doorstep and I'm getting to know its secret places well. Modern existence often separates us from nature but it's to our detriment and I plan to keep heading wood-wards when things get a bit tough here.
